Letters to my sons.

Dear Son,

well the rumour mill was very very wrong when it came to the supposed announcement that The Beatles back catalogue was to appear on iTunes although all the other rumours regarding Apples event last week were correct.

So you’ll still be getting my out of tune and improvised version of Yellow Submarine for a while longer.

Dear Son,

as part of my bedroom routine with you I sing “Yellow submarine” to you right after three verses of “How Much is that doggy in the Window?”. My singing is far from pitch perfect and I don’t know all the worlds to either song so I tend to improvise and make some up.

The other morning you woke up about 3.30am and didn’t want to go back to sleep in your own cot. In the past you have fallen asleep when we have brought you into the bed with us. But the other morning you just wouldn’t go back to sleep until you started singing my version of “Yellow Submarine” to yourself. You fell asleep quite quickly after that.

In a few hours Apple is expected to announce a new line up of iPods. At the same time Paul McCartney is expected to announce that the Beatles back catalogue will be available on iTunes. If this happens it is widely expected that the Beatles could take the top 5 places in both the Album and Singles chart. I for one will be buying “Yellow Submarine” so that I can learn the correct words.

I might even spend 79 pence on “How much is that doggy in the window?” as well – I just don’t know which of the 60 versions to choose from…

Dear Son,

I have a terrible cough at the moment and keep having horrible coughing fits that leave me breathless and bent double. Luckily they are getting less intense and farther apart, but still not very nice when it happens.

I had such a fit on the train this morning. I did have my hand firmly over my mouth and I hid my head behind my bag to make sure I didn’t cough on any one else. When my fit subsided I sat up to see a cough sweat being dangled in front of my face. The woman sat opposite me wouldn’t take no as an answer so I thanked her and started sucking it and it really worked. As I started to relax she thrust a handful of the same sweats on me which I pocketed. When i finally got off the train I smiled and said thank you – both of us had spent the journey listening to our music players.

I felt down this morning as this cough is starting to get to me and I didn’t sleep very well last night, but a single act of random kindness has really cheered me up and the sweats have stopped the coughing. Champion.

Something else that I forgot about our recent trip to Trinidad; on the way to Maracas Bay we travelled up and down a few hills and at the top of one hill there was a clearing with about 40 vultures standing in it. I swear that as we drove past all 40 vultures turned to have a look at me and asses my driving style, once I was out of sight I bet they had a meeting to decide if I would crash on the tricky down hill part that was coming up. I would have loved to take a photo of all these vultures but like I said, I was driving. When we drove back they had left, no doubt perched in a tree somewhere sleeping – or boning up on their Highway code in an attempt to spot bad drivers. All they need to do is hover above the Highway a few miles away and they are ten a penny.

Dear Son,

You have been throwing things for a while now and I have been telling you “Don’t throw!” Sometimes you shout out “Don’t throw” before throwing things – so you have been listening, just not understanding.

This morning I changed your nappy in our bedroom, wrapped it in a nappy sack and with deft flick of the wrist threw it into the bin after bouncing it off the wall. I was quite pleased with my handy work until you looked at me and said: “Don’t throw!”

I now know that I must lead by example at all times until you are able to distinguish the difference between actions that appear to be the same. Throwing a ball in the park is not the same as throwing a car around the front room except that for you, at your age, throwing is throwing.

Consider me “telt” – as they say up North.

Dear Son,

we were playing on the step between the hall and the kitchen again today. In this game I pick you up and then “fall” off the step and into the kitchen, regaining my balance by stumbling around in the kitchen. As I “fall” from the step I make an “ooooooOOOOOHHHH!” sound although lately you have been doing the sound for me.

In the past you have played the game by yourself but you had to hold onto the wall because you couldn’t get down the step without holding on. Well today you were able to go down and back up the step without holding onto the wall.

One small step for a toddler …
I have been writing up a couple of long missives on a group of stupid people. I could spend my the rest of my life pointing out their lies and failures in simple logic but I have a couple of examples to explain my point. When they are finished I will publish. And be damned no doubt.

Dear Son,

yesterday was a little fraught for me and your mother. You were taken ill at nursery and when your mother came to pick you up she knew something was wrong with you because you were not your usual happy chatty self. You had been sick and your umbilical hernia was hard and could not be pushed back in.

Your mother took you to Accident and Emergency. They gave you some paracetamol to easy the pain and reduce your fever. When I arrived at A & E, I must say that I was worried. You really were not your self, you looked out of sorts. And then you were sick.

Not a just a mouth full but a while stomach full and you had had cheese. Your mother took the full brunt of the puke as it went all over her legs and also down your front and it smelt horrible. I nearly panicked when the stuff came out of your nose but in your state you didn’t seem too bothered and after wards your perked up a little. We were cleaning up your lunch and tea when a surgeon came in and poked around your tummy and told us that your hernia was blocking your digestive system and that you would need an operation to cure it. You were going to be transferred to the Royal London and they were going to do an emergency operation.

After your big puke you had a smaller puke and then a dry puke and after that you fell asleep. A second surgeon came in and had a poke around your tummy and found that your hernia could be pushed back in – whatever was blocking it before (your lunch and dinner we think) was now clear. I came home to get a change of clothes for you and your mother and when I got back you were back to your normal self. Actually you seemed to making up for the time your were ill and were a little more hyper than usual. You were discharged a little while after that – no operation needed that night but you will need one eventually to correct your hernia.

So we keep trying to push your hernia back in and so far so good, it goes back in. If it doesn’t you go back to A & E and the possibility of an emergency operation.

Dear Son,

Since I last wrote a good few things have happened.

On Friday 3rd March you pulled your self up and stood up for the first time. You have stood up before but always with help from either your mother or me, but this time it was all you. You pulled yourself up using a walking toy. You managed to stay up right for about 10 seconds before falling sideways and banging your head on the Digi box.

Since I last wrote about Newcastle United they have sacked Graeme Souness and gone on a 6 game unbeaten run. Glen Roeder and Alan Shearer have taken over and turned the club around, they now play with confidence and don’t give away silly goals. Souness complained that he had many injured players but Roeder has been in almost exactly the same position but has managed to win games.

The incumbent of Number 10 believes that he will be judged by God over his decision to kill thousands of Iraqi’s. When a person starts invoking God then rational discussion has ended. Invoking God is what al-Qaeda do to justify their killing. In fact God can be used to justify any action; you can use God to prove black is white, up is down and any other thing you like: correct or not.

Mathematics has certain laws that are immutable but based on logic. They are not open to interpretation, 4 = 4, always and without exception. With religion 4 equals what ever God says it equals.

Also it has been announced that “Creationism” is to be taught in science lessons. Creationists believe that the creation story in the Jewish/Christian/Muslim bible is fact, the whole universe was created in six days – each 24 hours long. They believe that the Earth is only six and a half thousand years old. Any evidence that contradicts the creation story is false and bad science.

My question to Creationists everywhere is to show me the sword guarding the Garden of Eden. The bible tells us where the Garden of Eden is:

And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.
The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold;
And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone.
And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia.
And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.

Geneses Chapter 2, verses 10 to 14.

So all a person has to do is follow the rivers mentioned above back to their source and eventually you’ll come across:

… Cherubims, and a flaming sword which every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
Geneses Chapter 3, verse 24

So we simply need a map and we can find some Cherbims and a flaming sword.

So far no person has ever found these Cherbims or the flaming sword: why? Because they don’t exist. The one checkable fact in the whole creation story is a load of bunk and utter rubbish. And this rubbish is being taught as fact in a science lesson.

I’ll return to this subject son, time and time again because the rubbish these right wing Nazi so-called Christians spout is dangerous and lies.

Dear Son,

This weekend was the first time in your lifetime that the Black and Whites put one over the great-unwashed Red and White filth of Wearside. Hopefully this will be the first of two for this season before they disappear from the Premier League.

Your mother doesn’t like prejudices being taught to children although! We took your cousin Lewis to St James’ Park for his first Toon game a few years ago and when the fans started singing “Stand up if you hate Sunderland,” she was the first to her feet and then picked up Lewis and held him in the air while singing her guts out. I knew at that point that I was marrying the right woman.

Yesterday we got a first look at your teeth, two little buds of white on the gum line. You have been chewing everything in site for a good few weeks now and your mother confirmed this morning that your teeth are through as you were being breast-fed. You seem to enjoy chewing the big toe on your left foot as well. As soon as you are naked the leg goes up and the foot goes into the mouth for a chew. Inspired by this I tried the same thing and I did manage to get my toes into my mouth but not with the same ease and panache. You don’t huff and puff as much and grumble about having a beer belly.

I need a challenge to get me fit. Maybe another stab at the White Mountain?

Dear Son,

you did two things of note yesterday. Firstly you had a laugh, not a giggle but a proper laugh.

The second thing you did nearly made me cry. You fell asleep in my arms and I took you upstairs so you could sleep in your cot. I put you in your cot and as your bottom touched the mattress you opened your eyes, looked at me and smiled – as if you were thanking me for talking you upstairs and putting you in bed. As I put your head down you stretched and fell asleep.

I’m not sure I should be telling you about the smile because in a few years, when you want some expensive trainers, you might try it on.

Dear Son,

we had our first bath together last Friday and on Sunday you went swimming with me for the first time. You’ve been swimming with your mother, but this was the first time that I came with you two.

Jamesy P is in the charts with Nookie. This is an old song for you as you first heard it last February in Trinidad when you were still in the womb. Hearing it on the radio isn’t quite the same as the sound system you followed around Port of Spain or the ones that drove past when we watched from Tragarete Road.

Hopefully we’ll be out in Trinidad for carnival on the 19th and 20th February 2007. 20th February 2007 will be Shrove Tuesday. The French name for Shrove Tuesday is “Fat Tuesday” or Mardi Gras. The next time your hear someone talking about having a “Mardi Gras” and it’s not on Shrove Tuesday, point out that they are an idiot and then explain why.