Letters to my sons.

Dear Son,

Since I last wrote a good few things have happened.

On Friday 3rd March you pulled your self up and stood up for the first time. You have stood up before but always with help from either your mother or me, but this time it was all you. You pulled yourself up using a walking toy. You managed to stay up right for about 10 seconds before falling sideways and banging your head on the Digi box.

Since I last wrote about Newcastle United they have sacked Graeme Souness and gone on a 6 game unbeaten run. Glen Roeder and Alan Shearer have taken over and turned the club around, they now play with confidence and don’t give away silly goals. Souness complained that he had many injured players but Roeder has been in almost exactly the same position but has managed to win games.

The incumbent of Number 10 believes that he will be judged by God over his decision to kill thousands of Iraqi’s. When a person starts invoking God then rational discussion has ended. Invoking God is what al-Qaeda do to justify their killing. In fact God can be used to justify any action; you can use God to prove black is white, up is down and any other thing you like: correct or not.

Mathematics has certain laws that are immutable but based on logic. They are not open to interpretation, 4 = 4, always and without exception. With religion 4 equals what ever God says it equals.

Also it has been announced that “Creationism” is to be taught in science lessons. Creationists believe that the creation story in the Jewish/Christian/Muslim bible is fact, the whole universe was created in six days – each 24 hours long. They believe that the Earth is only six and a half thousand years old. Any evidence that contradicts the creation story is false and bad science.

My question to Creationists everywhere is to show me the sword guarding the Garden of Eden. The bible tells us where the Garden of Eden is:

And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.
The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold;
And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone.
And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia.
And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.

Geneses Chapter 2, verses 10 to 14.

So all a person has to do is follow the rivers mentioned above back to their source and eventually you’ll come across:

… Cherubims, and a flaming sword which every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
Geneses Chapter 3, verse 24

So we simply need a map and we can find some Cherbims and a flaming sword.

So far no person has ever found these Cherbims or the flaming sword: why? Because they don’t exist. The one checkable fact in the whole creation story is a load of bunk and utter rubbish. And this rubbish is being taught as fact in a science lesson.

I’ll return to this subject son, time and time again because the rubbish these right wing Nazi so-called Christians spout is dangerous and lies.

Dear Son,

Things are not good with the Toon right now.

The current manager, Graeme Souness, appears to have lost the confidence of the Chairman, the fans and possibly the players.

Souness has had 50 million pounds to spend; he has captured Michael Owen from Real Madrid and has assembled a talented squad. But Newcastle languish 14th in the Premier League only a few points above the relegation fight. How did this happen?

In his first season Souness had to sort out the dressing room and bring the unruly elements to heal. The biggest culprit of this unruliness was reported to be Craig Bellamy. Despite being a highly talented footballer he had a tendency to mouth-off when not necessary; he would win a free kick but would end up being booked as he kept haranguing the referee. Bobby Robson famously said: He could start an argument with himself.

Bellamy feigned an injury when Souness asked him to play in midfield and was soon shipped out to Celtic on loan and then sold to Blackburn at the end of the season.

Souness is in the middle of an injury crisis at the moment with eight players out injured – players who would be considered to be part of a starting line up. Some say that the manager should not be blamed for this because he didn’t set out to injure the players. But you have to ask the question: why spend 17 million on Owen when you can buy 3 very good players for the same money and have a bigger squad?

If you accept this argument then the blame has to come down to the Chairman because he signs the cheques. Instead of buying expensive he could have insisted on buying in bulk and shipping out those who languish in the reserves but will never make the grade. If a young player is not knocking on the first team door by the time they are 19, I don’t see future for them at a big club.

The arguments against Souness say that he should be able to motivate what he has to produce their very best, that is what a manager is paid to do. A good manager with ropey players will always be more successful over a season than a team of good players but a bad manager. Managers who can inspire middling players to play out of their skins week-in week-out, a good example would be Martin O’Neil. A good few years ago now when he was manager of Leicester they managed to go 2-nil down at home to Chelsea. Chelsea weren’t the power house then as they are now but they were a very good team, much better than Leicester. A couple of substitutions, lots of shouting from the side lines and Leicester scored twice and earned a draw. O’Neil could change his tactics and motivate his players to keep battling. And this is what Newcastle appear to be lacking, a person who can inspire them.

If the manager is to go then so should the Chairman, the person at the top of an organisation is responsible for everything that happens underneath. It was the Chairman who appointed Souness in the first place.

Dear Son,

This weekend was the first time in your lifetime that the Black and Whites put one over the great-unwashed Red and White filth of Wearside. Hopefully this will be the first of two for this season before they disappear from the Premier League.

Your mother doesn’t like prejudices being taught to children although! We took your cousin Lewis to St James’ Park for his first Toon game a few years ago and when the fans started singing “Stand up if you hate Sunderland,” she was the first to her feet and then picked up Lewis and held him in the air while singing her guts out. I knew at that point that I was marrying the right woman.

Yesterday we got a first look at your teeth, two little buds of white on the gum line. You have been chewing everything in site for a good few weeks now and your mother confirmed this morning that your teeth are through as you were being breast-fed. You seem to enjoy chewing the big toe on your left foot as well. As soon as you are naked the leg goes up and the foot goes into the mouth for a chew. Inspired by this I tried the same thing and I did manage to get my toes into my mouth but not with the same ease and panache. You don’t huff and puff as much and grumble about having a beer belly.

I need a challenge to get me fit. Maybe another stab at the White Mountain?

Dear Son,

today (8th October 2005) was your baptism. Your mother is a Catholic and one of the things I (had to) agree(d) to when I married her was that any children would be brought up Catholic.

Relationships are built on compromise and although I’m a devout atheist – I don’t go to Church every single Sunday – I agreed with your mother that you should be baptised. I, myself, haven’t been baptised and I don’t think I ever will be. In the Caudle side of the family infant baptism is not something that happens. Your Grand father on my side was a Methodist Minister and although he baptised babies he didn’t believe in it. He (and grand mother Caudle) thought that becoming a Christian was only something that could be done as an adult and that baptism would then mean something. This is a view that Uncle Phil and I also hold. Your Caudle cousins have not been baptised.

Having said that the Catholic Church has Confirmation, which happens at an age when you will know your own mind. For your mother, having you baptised was important – a good enough reason for this atheist not to stand in the way.

After you had been anointed with oil, had water on your head then the sign of the cross made on your forehead we all came back to the house. You and me watched some of the England game together. You sat on my knee and watched the TV. At half time as Lineker, Handson and Shearer discussed how England played and what they should do next; you joined in with your own analysis before crying for some food. In the 10 minutes that you talked you made a lot of sense although you never – along with the other pundits – predicted that Beckham would be sent off.

England ran out 1-0 winners and with results in different groups England are now guaranteed a place at the world cup in Germany in 2006. Hopefully England can beat Poland and top the group. If England is to do well in the World Cup they need to improve big time. Don’t forget son you can always choose the Soca Warriors if you not happy with England ☺

So today you were Baptised into the Catholic Church and had an England footballing baptism. You missed the Northern Ireland game because you were sleeping. You would have had nightmares if you’d seen it.

Dear Son,

after scoring against Blackburn last week, Owen got his first goal at Saint James’ Park today. Me and your mother are waiting for the goal to be shown on Match of the Day so I can’t comment. You are too busy on the breast to care although you have been watching UKTV History with over the last few weeks, Adam Hart-Davis being your favourite presenter.

PS

Just seen it. It wasn’t anything special but they all count and that’s what counts.

Yesterday was a good day in the transfer market for the Toon. Michael Owen signed on a four year contract, Jenas moved to Spurs for £7 and Nobby returned from Aston Villa. As part of the Nobby deal James Milner went the other way on loan.

A few weeks ago I was very down beat about Newcastles chances this season and the first few games of the season proved my worst fears correct. But with these signings I am now hopefull of a strong finish. Some defenders in January would be nice as well.

I still have my doubts about Greame Souness but a trophy would put that to bed.

Howay the lads!

Dear Son,

there is an episode of the Simpsons where Bart breaks his leg on the first day of the summer holidays. He complains to Homer that his summer is now ruined, Homer replies that when your a grown up every summer is ruined because you have to work. Which is so true.

The other problem with the summer is that there isn’t any football. There are transfer dealings which can be quite interesting and some pre-season friendlies but the not the same thing as a full bloodied game.

During July Saturday afternoons are long affairs. Nothing on the telly worth watching and nothing else worth doing – well there is loads of stuff that needs doing but not enough motivation to get it done. Roll on the 14th August and the start of the season away at Arsnel. Uncle Pat has departed for Jeuventus, I was hoping after our last chat he would wear the black and white stripes of another club.

Dear Son,

today in Iraq a suicide bomber drove his car close to an American soldier and blew his car up. The American soldier had been handing sweets and water to Iraqi children so unsurprisingly some children were killed as well.

This act, terrible as it was at face value, needed some more spin attaching to it. According to Channel4 news, eye witnesses report that the bomber made certain that he killed as many children as possible. The BBC hasn’t reported this “fact” but it may true or it may be false. I can understand why the spin would have to be added. Think for a moment what this means if he didn’t intend kill the children. It means that they were “collatoral damage”, an accident and killing them is okay because he never meant it. Well no, it doesn’t mean that because killing civillians is never right who ever you are.

It looks like the bombers in London were suicidce bombers as well. They appear to have been young men prepared to die for something they believed in. If they had been troops in an army their deaths would be mourned in poetry and we would be extolled to remember them with the going down of the sun. They will either be painted as evil or as easily led, which is also how the opponents of the Prime Minister, Tony Blair, like to paint him.

I have existsed in a Naked Lunch world for at least 10 years now. William Burrows defined a Naked Lunch moment as when time stands still in a restaurant and you can see people holding forks at their open mouths. David Bedeale described a Naked Lunch moment in terms of watching ballet: the moment that you realise that you are watching men and women prancing around a stage, dressed in white, to music.

We live in world were it is wrong to steal, unless you have the twin mights of millitary power and the ability to write the official history after the event has happened. On the day that Australia celebrated 200 years since it’s “discovery”, an aboriginy stood on the beach at Dover and claimed the UK for his people. This act all the more absurd as aborginies had no concept of land ownership when the English arrived. Leon Trotsky signed away the countries of Estonian, Latvia and Lithuania over to a brutal and repressive Imperial Germany without first asking the people in those countries what they wanted or heeding his own rhetoric regarding capitalism. Yet we have paper sellers up and down the country extolling his political ideas and passing them off as “freedom”. The man they worship created a terrorist system, later inherited by Stalin, that murdered over 20 million people. But without a hint of irony or respect for the truth they hold banners proclaiming that George W Bush is the worlds biggest terrorist. At this present time in history he is, but in the last 100 years he is not. Modern day Nazis have Holocaust Denial, John Major had genocide-denial in Rwanda and we have a politcal party called “Respect” that doesn’t.

I can’t even take solice in the summer transfer activity with the Toon. We have lost 3 defenders, 2 midfielders and 2 strikers. So far we have one midfielder coming in, Scott Parker and Dyer has signed an extension to his contract. Compounding the loss of three defenders, Titus Bramble has an injury that could see him miss the 1st three months of the season. Things are not looking good.

Dear Son,

not long after you were born I wrapped you in a Newcastle United top with the name Caudle on the back. This son, I’m sorry to say, may be a curse. When Alan Shearer announced his retirement I thought this was an omen. He would retire around the same time that you would be born – but he decided to carry on for another year. That’s when the wheels fell off – at the Railway Bridge perhaps – last season. We were dumped out of the UEFA cup, then the FA Cup and then two Newcastle players had a fight with each other.

My hope for you is that you’ll become a professional footballer earning many millions of pounds. We can hang out it night clubs together and I’ll keep you safe from the Jordan types, casting my eye over the gold digging peroxide on display and making the wrong choice – so you don’t have to.

Just like politics son, when it comes to watching the Toon on the telly, I’ll be shouting at the telly.